


Guess I'll Go Eat Worms

by Luxwinggo



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, It All Ends Well, M/M, Mental Illness, Trauma, but the ride is bumpy, general balance arc spoilers, i eat breath and love davenchurch but whats love without a little pain, no beta we die like men, specific warnings at the beginning of the chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-13
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-06-09 20:38:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15275730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luxwinggo/pseuds/Luxwinggo
Summary: Snapshots of two lives bonded through necessity, strengthened through hardship, shattered by regret and reformed by love. Fragments that fell apart and came back together beyond all chance.The past, present, and future of Captain Davenport and Merle Highchurch, and the times they made each other who they were.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Mild warnings for panic attacks, seizure mention, and the depiction of someone suffering a massive trigger.

_~~~_

 

_Davenport stopped on the trail and gazed up to the sky beyond the treetops. The brilliant green beginning to phase into a soft purple as the sun dipped below the horizon. He sat his pack down and looked over his shoulder to Merle. “We should stop for the night. We can pick up the Lights trail when we can actually see what's ahead of us.”_

_Merle groaned loudly and let his pack fall and dropped in a heap. “Oh_ thank Pan, _Dav! I ain't cut out for this hiking shit. I'm too old and fat.”_

_Davenport smirked. “You worship an earth and forest God and you hate hiking?”_

_Merle scowled, tilting his head just enough to glower at his captain. “I’ve never once admitted to make sense in my life, Dav.” He sat up, leaning against his discarded camping pack. “Just because I'm a crunchy guy doesn't mean I live in the woods and eat worms like you guys do.”_

_The smile on Davenport’s face vanished. “Wait. Merle, you think gnomes eat worms?”_

_“Uh…you do, don't ya?”_

_Davenport furrowed his brow. “Gods, Merle no we don't  - who the hell told you that?”_

_Merle stared at him in dumbfounded silence before he could think of a response. “Uh… Um Well, you know, it's like-well, my mum always said shit like ‘Humans reach the fruit, Dwarves stand on stone and, uh… Gnomes uh… eat the worms? Look, thinking about it now I realize it's… It’s fuckin, you know-” Merle started stumbling over his words. “I-look, Cap, my parents- you know - old fashioned shits with-look, I’m sorry, I didn’t-”_

_Davenport sighed, waving his hand at Merle. “No, don’t worry about it. I know you didn't mean to offend, Merle.” He kneeled down, unpacking things as he continued. “I know that Gnomes and Dwarves have always had problems with one another. I never understood why, honestly. My family never could tell me, they all just expected me to just hate dwarves - like it was a tradition.” He turned to Merle and gave him a skeptical look. “Did you honestly think gnomes ate worms?”_

_Merle’s face reddened. “Well-uh Im-I just thought, you know-I mean, that's what mum said so I just...?”_

_“Merle, if she raised you to be anything like her, I doubt she ever told you the truth once in your lifetime.”_

_“Okay now, see? That's where you're wrong!” Merle pointed a finger at Davenport, grinning wide. “Mum called me a lazy dumb sack of shit almost every day for ten years! What's more honest than that?”_

_Davenport laughed, turning back to his pack. “Sounds like another lie to me.” he said under his breath._

_“What's that, Cap?”_

_Davenport turned and tossed two canteens toward Merle. “We passed a stream a ways back. Would you mind filling these for me, Merle?”_

_Merle leaned forward and managed to catch one canteen, the other landing at his feet. He raised an eyebrow as he glanced back to Davenport, then rose from the ground with a groan, turning back down the path. He paused, looked back to Davenport and winked at him._

_“You’re not a bad guy, Cap’nport. Even if you_ did _eat worms, I’d still like ya!”_

_“I...thank you…” Davenport frowned. “...I think?”_

_Merle laughed. “I'm kiddin’ with ya! It's a joke! Just know I think you're an okay guy - you just remember that, Captain!”_

_Davenport chuckled and nodded. “I'll do that, Merle.”_

 

* * *

 

Davenport’s eyes snapped open. Everything was a haze for a brief moment. He couldn't remember anything. All he could think of was a deafening static.

He blinked, catching his breath as he realized he was panting. Soaked in sweat. Dry tears under his eyes.

Davenport took a deep breath to calm his rapid pulse. It was just a dream. Nothing to be afraid about. He, Davenport, was just waking up from a dream. It was just a dream.

He stilled a moment. _Had_ he been dreaming? Davenport blinked. The dream was already lost.

Davenport sighed, throwing the covers off and sitting at the edge of his bed. He stood. He walked to his washroom. He made himself presentable. Clean. Proper. Professional. As he did every morning. As he's always done.

Davenport looked at himself in the mirror. This was Davenport. This was what he knew.

He was Davenport.

Every morning. Wake up in a panic, clean the tears and sweat, forget the dream before he could remember. It wasn't worth the pain to think about it. It wasn't worth trying to think about anything except for his name. It was the one thing he never forgot. It was the constant.

“Davenport!” he always said cheerfully, no matter the person. Davenport, he always thought, no matter the day. He was always Davenport. It was all he needed to be.

Sometimes. Somedays. He remembered something else. Barely, always in pieces and broken and scattered in a million sounds. When he remembered one thing, it became another. And two more. Then a hundred at once. It was too much. Davenport didn't like to remember things anymore.

There was an excitement about today. The director had asked for his presence in the relic chamber tonight and she looked anxious, but happier than he had seen her in a long time. At least, as long as he cared to remember. She asked him to bring her the tray from the treasury and, as always, Davenport was more than happy to. He made his way into the relic chamber to stand next to her, then faced the guests she addressed.

Davenport felt a jolt through him. His brain almost couldn’t catch the thought before it ran through his body. The realization. He didn’t recognize it. He tried to keep smiling.

He stared at the three men. He stared at the dwarf. He stared at the dwarf. He heard the director say his name. He heard her say Merle. He stared at Merle. He presented the tray to the men. He…

Davenport. Davenport presented the tray to Merle. Merle, Taako and Magnus. Davenport stood beside Lucretia, trying as hard as he could to hold back the beginning of something terrible. Davenport smiled as Merle, Taako and Magnus left. Davenport’s body was rigid.

_Don't think. Don't remember. Just leave._

Davenport left the room without looking at Lucretia. He heard her call after him as he let the door slam behind. Davenport walked fast but calmly at first. He was beginning to pant as his heart quickened. He remembered Merle’s face. He thought about how it had changed since he last-

 _Don't think about it_. He nodded to someone who called to him. He didn't say his name. He didn't smile. He didn't know when he had started running. People looked at him, their mouths moving. He stopped hearing anything except his mind. It was screaming at him.

Davenport was remembering. He remembered Merle. He remembered them. _Not now, hold it. Don't think about it. Don't remember here._ The damn was breaking. Davenport ran down the hall. His movement was out of instinct. He pushed past people who shouted after him. He didn't stop. _Get to the room, get to the room, don't think, don't remember, Davenport Davenport Davenport Davenport._ He made it to his door. His hands shook. His vision was swimming and blurring. He tried to find the key. The words and thoughts and ideas and memories and feelings -  they were all upon him at once. Crushing him. _Davenport Davenport Davenport Merle Taako Magnus Lucretia Starblaster Fisher_ he turned the key as tears streamed down his face and he tried to stop the shaking _Lup Barry Hunger John_ couldn't get the key inside and everything was suffocating him there were so many things crushing him there was too much of everything and it was pressing into his chest he couldn't breathe he couldn't see or feel and everything was _Davenport Merle Barry Lup Starblaster Bonds Light Oculus Merle John Merle Davenport Davenport Davenport covered in blood and fading watching the ship fly past the darkness hoping and praying and crying as he looked behind him at Merle who wasn’t moving as everything consumed them and Davenport and Merle and the Hunger and the Light and Nothing and Everything and Loud Hurt Pain Merle Davenport Davenport Davenport Davenport Davenport_ -

There was a shrieking, bellowing noise in his ears. It hurt. Everything was falling apart. Everything was gone. It ended like it had so many times before. Painfully.

 

Yelling. Someone grabbing his shoulders. He was on the floor. His vision was blurred and breathing and blinking were painful and just too hard. He couldn't see the people around him. He barely felt them lift him off the ground. He heard static. He saw static. He felt static.

 

Nothing.

 

Just Davenport.

 

_Davenport._

 

Davenport’s eyes snapped open. He awoke to a familiar haze. A familiar panic. His head felt like it was full of stone, heavy and thick. His vision could barely focus. He jerked his head around. The director was beside him. He could barely make out that he was not in his room. There was a beeping and someone speaking over him. The director looked worried.

 

Davenport barely heard someone say “seizure” and “again”.

 

His eyes wandered to a door opened behind the director. There was a dwarf standing there with two other people. The dwarf looked worried.

 

Davenport didn’t know who that was.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No special warnings for this one.

_ ~~~ _

 

_ Merle stood in the to the Starblaster’s main deck, pausing as he caught sight of his captain standing at the ship’s bow. His hands rested on the railing and his head was turned up to the star filled sky over this new plane, no doubt identifying the new and unfamiliar constellations. Merle hesitated before attempting to join him, remembering the last time they were both alone. He still felt poorly about his last conversation, even if Davenport had tried to ease his anxieties. It had been over two years and Merle was still kicking himself anytime he looked at him. _

Don’t gnomes eat worms hurr hurr what the fuck is wrong with you, Highchurch you piece of fucking shit??

_ Still, no one seemed fine after the last cycle. They had landed in a plane entirely inhabited by massive creatures of living garnet that attacked them on sight. Magnus was killed on the first day, before the light was even seen. Once it fell, the monsters became consumed by its power and it was all they could do to just survive the cycle. The only people who were left on the ship by the end of the year were Davenport, Lucretia and himself. Davenport took it especially hard, after he saw the twins crushed to death to give the ship a chance to take off.  _

_ When everyone rematerialized, Davenport broke his usual formality for the first time since the mission began and had joined the crew in an embrace. Even if it was for just a short moment, Merle knew something had changed in his captain over these years. Something was changing in all of them, it seemed. _

_ Something was definitely changing in Merle, and it was the way he looked at his captain. He remembered watching him steer the ship out and way from the tendrils of the hunger. The focus in his sharp eyes, the intensity in his posture and the laugh he made at every near miss. The man was half a head shorter than Merle, but every ounce of him was more imposing than anyone in existence. Everything about him was intense. Passionate. The man was a fire that burned constantly until he became a pile of ash that reignited.  _

_ Merle started to sweat as he finally approached Davenport on the bow. The gnome looked back and nodded to him, then returned his gaze to the stars. Merle nodded back, but his captain had already turned away. He stood there, twiddling his thumbs nervously as he stood there, uncomfortable and obviously having second doubts. Still, it felt wrong for Davenport to be alone. Felt wrong for any of them to be alone. _

_ Merle jumped when Davenport broke the silence. “I spent years learning how to use the stars as a map. Years learning our home’s constellations and planets so I could look up and know where I was at any moment, Merle.” He scoffed. “Shitload of good it does me now. Looking at the stars used to give me such comfort.” Davenport sighed, looking down at the world’s surface. “Now it just reminds me that we’re lost forever.” _

_ Merle took a deep breath and tentatively placed a hand on his captain’s shoulder. He didn’t know what to say. He had nothing comforting to give the man he so admired. He felt useless. _

_ He almost jumped back when Davenport lifted a hand and placed it over his own. His captain turned to him, a gentle smile appearing under that auburn mustache. His intense gaze was gone, replaced with a tired but kind one. _

_ For some reason, it scared the absolute shit out of Merle. And the dwarf had an unusual habit of becoming incredible awkward when he was terrified or anxious, let alone both at the same time. _

_ He cleared his throat to say something comforting, maybe kind to his captain. _

_ Instead, what he blurted out was: _

_ “So, do gnomes ever get freaky with their tails?” _

_ Merle was already gone before Davenport even realized what he had said. _

 

* * *

It had been over an hour since the Midsummer festival has ended. After the unusual event that took place Magnus and Taako had decided to head back to the dormitory for the night, leaving Merle on his own. After changing out of his costume the dwarf wandered amongst the empty stalls and abandoned tables with a bottle of whisky he managed to salvage from the leftovers. Only a handful of people were still out, some of them still reveling but most of them drunk or passed out on the lawn. The sight had the hint of familiarity to Merle, reminiscent of his days with the Pannites during their own festivals.

He brought the bottle up for another drink and paused. Merle caught sight of a person standing some distance away from where the carnival was erected, near the edge of the lunar base. He squinted, trying to discern who it was under the moonlight and frowned.

What in Pan’s name is Davenport doing out here?

Merle pursed his lips and thought a moment. He remembered hearing about the man’s fit the night they joined the B.o.B. That distant look Davenport had given him from the infirmary bed was vacant and cold and, somehow, left Merle’s chest aching. He still didn’t understand it. The Director was quick to assure him that Davenport would recover, that this was not an unusual occurrence when the gnome was overwhelmed.

Still, none of that sat well with him in the least.

With a sigh and some hesitancy, Merle change direction and approached where the gnome stood. As he came closer, he saw that Davenport was staring up at the night sky, gloved hands held behind his back and tail curling lazily. He was dressed in his usual bureau regalia still, which Merle found odd considering the day’s festivities. He stopped at the man’s side and looked him over. Davenport still gazed upwards, not noticing his new company.

Merle cleared his throat and the gnome practically jumped out of his skin. Davenport yelped and took several steps away, his eyes darting all around and finally landing on the dwarf. Merle put a hand on Davenport’s shoulder as he didn’t quite suppress his laughter and felt the man flinch under his touch. He frowned, removing his hand slowly.

“Hey, didn’t mean to scare you there, buddy. Figured you could use some company out here, s’all.” Merle said as he held his hand up in a calming manner. Davenport slowly regained composure and stared at him a moment before nodding and turning to leave.

Merle reached out again, but paused just before he could touch the man. “Whoa, you don’t gotta leave just ‘cause I’m here, Davenport. We can stand together, there’s plenty of sky for us both to stare at for a few hours, right?”

Davenport paused, turning to look at him. He still had that distant look in his eyes, like he always looked past the world. After a long moment, he nodded and returned to stand beside Merle. The dwarf smiled and sat down on the artificial grass with a groan, patting the patch down beside him. He gave Davenport a kind wink. “Take a load off, big guy. It’s a holiday, after all!”

The gnome stared at him.

Merle rolled his eyes and took a long drink from the bottle still in his grip. “You gotta learn to relax one of these days. Life isn’t all work and problems. Need to know when to let yourself-”

He paused and turned to see Davenport sitting beside him and staring back at the sky. Merle sighed and leaned back on his free hand, looking up to the stars as well. He found himself stargazing more often since they arrived here a couple months ago. The sky was always free of dust and buildings, giving the illusion of an ocean of twinkling lights swirling above the world. It was unnerving at times, but also comforting in a way Merle could never explain well. It made him feel like his troubles were always so small, that there were bigger things out there to live for.

He took another long drink and held the bottle out to his side. When Davenport didn’t take notice, Merle nudged him with it. The gnome jumped slightly again and stared at the bottle, then at Merle, making no motion to take it.

Merle nudged him again. “I find that whisky helps me drink.”

Davenport looked back at the bottle and gingerly reached for it. For a brief moment, his fingers touched Merle’s.

They both stopped and stared at one another, hands frozen between them. Davenport’s tail began to move erratically. His breathing became uneven and his eyes focused intensely on Merle. He leaned forward slightly, his shoulders relaxing as he-

The bottle was knocked from Merle’s hand as Davenport jerked upwards and bolted towards the central dome. Merle jumped up and made to follow him, but the gnome was already out of eyesight. His brow furrowed as he stared at the spilled alcohol on the ground.

For some reason, he thought he saw tears in Davenport’s eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who destroyed their depression so they could write the next chapter yay me.
> 
> ALSO HOW ABOUT THAT FUCKING LIVE SHOW THAT DESTROYED ME????? FUCK YEAH
> 
> Oh hey hmu on luxiwng.tumblr.com also we got a discord channel for TAZ that desperately needs new members come join us https://discord.gg/Vhu5sCS

**Author's Note:**

> So I dabbled with Davenchurch a few times in the past, and after Stargazer I really wanted to do something to depict how I think they helped each other become the people they were. This fic won't be long, probably just 5 or 6 chapters at most - depends on how many plot bunnies I manage to catch.
> 
> Be sure to leave a comment if you'd like!


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